It seems like there’s a special day for everything, and November 20 is no different - it’s National Absurdity Day! This odd calendar event is a day when weirdness takes over and high strangeness is celebrated in all its absurd glory.

And what could be more absurd than a mountain whale that eats tourists? Or a giant moose that trips over its own lips? In observance of National Absurdity Day, we’re taking a look at some accounts of the most absurd cryptid legends we’ve ever heard!

Coming from all over the world, the tall tales of these cryptids sound so bizarre that they couldn’t possibly be real creatures… could they? They may be hoaxes, creatures of campfire stories, figments of the imagination, or even misidentifications, so far be it for us to ever say for sure. But in each case, these beings are unique legends that are fantastically imaginative even if they never prove to be real. And if they do, then they are really, really weird.

From lumberjack folklore to cultural mythology, here are 9 cryptids that are (probably) too absurd to be real:

The Funeral Mountain Terrashot

Said to be the reason the Funeral Range of California was given its name, the macabre specter of the Funeral Mountain Terrashot seems to be a harmless but absurdly creepy-looking cryptid from North American lumberjack folklore in the 19th and 20th centuries. The Funeral Mountain Terrashot has a very distinctive shape resembling that of a casket. Measuring six to eight feet long, the Terrashot’s casket body is covered with a hard shell, and it sways uneasily as it walks on its four long, wobbly legs. The terrashot was first reported by Mormon emigrants in the region, who witnessed a strange habit among the odd creatures. According to their account, the beasts would live peacefully in the meadows around the mountains, but as their population grew, the Funeral Mountain Terrashots would periodically start a long single-file procession down the mountain range toward the surrounding desert, probably holding up lines of traffic for miles as they went. The Mormon witnesses believed the overpopulated terrsahots were attempting to cross the desert to find a new place to settle, but they would never make it. Upon hitting the heat of the desert, the terrashots’ casket bodies would become distended and then explode with loud bangs, leaving grave-shaped holes in the ground. It’s a depressing fate for an animal already outfitted in a coffin body, but peculiarly, the Funeral Mountain Terrashot is not the only absurd exploding cryptid out there!

The Grootslang

In a deep cave in the desert of the Richtersveld, South Africa, may or may not live one of the weirdest legendary animal hybrids. Grootslang is a half-snake-half-elephant said to be a creation mistakenly made by the gods, who imbued their monstrous creature with too much cunning and strength and then let it escape into the human world. You had one job, gods! Grootslang now spends its time devouring regular elephants and hoarding treasures in its cave-sweet-cave, known as the "Wonder Hole.” According to the legends, the Grootslang loves diamonds, so if the cryptid monster ever catches you, you may stand a chance of bargaining for your life if you offer it some precious gems. Because if video games have taught us anything, it’s that you never begin your quest without a sack full of those, right?

The Gumberoo

There are a lot of strange things you don’t want to encounter in the woods, and one of them includes a fat, bald exploding bear. The Gumberoo comes out of lumberjack legends, hailing from the foggy region along the Pacific Coast. It bears a resemblance to black bears, except that it is completely hairless but for its bristly beard and big eyebrows. The bald hide is said to be impenetrable even to bullets, which tend to bounce off its skin and fly straight back at whomever has made the poor choice to shoot at it. Confusingly, sometimes Gumberoo stories include reports that the beast has up to eight legs and can swing from trees, while other reports claim it prefers to spend its time holed up in the bases of burned out cedars, coming out only to satisfy its ravenous appetite; its hairless elastic skin allows the Gumberoo to consume up to an entire horse in one sitting. The differing descriptions probably come from the fact that Gumberoo sightings have been incredibly rare, and no proof of their existence has been produced. Not only does its strong hide prevent it from being killed, it seems the only thing that can damage the rotund cryptid is fire - which causes the Gumberboo to immediately explode on contact, so good luck finding a body. Allegedly, a photographer named S. W. Allen once succeeded in snapping a photograph of the mysterious Gumberoo, but - fittingly - the negative exploded and destroyed the evidence.

The Hugag

Ranging from western Wisconsin, northern Minnesota, and up into the Canadian wilds towards Hudson Bay is the absurdly designed Hugag, a thirteen-foot-tall creature with the inability to lie down. The hugag probably most closely resembles an antler-less moose, but possesses long jointless legs that cannot bend, rendering the creature unable to sit or lay on the ground, meaning it has to lean against trees in order to get any rest from its constant walking. It’s probably just as well for the hugag that it cannot lower itself, however, because its upper lip is so ridiculously long that it trips over it whenever it gets too close to the ground. This large cryptid is also described as having a prehistoric appearance composed of a leathery, hairless head and neck, floppy corrugated ears, four-toed feet, and a bushy tail. Allegedly, hunters have successfully hunted the hugag by sawing trees nearly to their breaking point, and lying in wait for the animal. When the hapless hugag leaned against the broken tree for a rest, the tree would snap, the hugag would fall over, and the hunters would have a weird new trophy. The book Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods (1910) even claims that a Mike Flynn of Cass Lake felled the last known hugag on Turtle River in Minnesota. Flynn encountered a young, 1,800-pound hugag floundering in the mud, and ever the good sportsman, he hit it in the head. Although claims cannot be substantiated, the theory has been posed that the hugag is actually a surviving group of paraceratherium, even though they are believed to have gone extinct 11 to 23 million years ago.

The Luferlang

One of the more dangerous of absurd cryptids - and also one of the more absurd absurd cryptids - is the Luferlang, a horsey creature with a bunch of odd features and a vicious bite. The Luferlang can be identified by the tail in the middle of its back, a bright blue stripe running down its spine, and its creepy three-jointed legs that allow it to run speedily in any direction, kind of like a big jumping spider. Also like a big spider, the Luferlang is known for its deadly bite, for which there is no cure. It takes very little to provoke this dangerous creature, so its best to avoid it at all costs. If you do happen to get bitten by the Luferlang, then you are literally the most unlucky person in the world, because the Luferlang only inflicts its bite on someone once a year; specifically on July 12, so better stay inside that day if you’re prone to bad luck. Superstitious folk will avoid wearing green, which provokes this horselike cryptid, but will make sure to prominently display an orange handkerchief on their person, which can help repel it. If you do find yourself being charged by an angry Luferlang, an almost surefire method of protection is to hold up a large mirror next to yourself, which I propose we all start carrying slung over our backs like medieval shields for just such an event. The reflection the Luferlang sees in the mirror tends to confuse it, and it will sidle away to find another unfortunate individual to bite.

The Pugot

The Pugot is a ghastly figure out of Philippine mythology that has been spotted in multiple cities throughout the Philippines. There is no shortage of demonic cryptids and ghostly ghouls in the world’s folklore, but what pushes the Pugot toward the side of absurd is that it has just so much going on. For one thing, this frightful creature can shapeshift, often appearing under the guise of dogs, hogs, and humans. But if it had to pick a favorite form to assume, it would probably be its popular appearance as a big black humanoid with no head - pugot literally translates to “decapitated one.” Along with its shapeshifting abilities, the Pugot can also move at high speeds, and likes to make its home in dark places, empty houses, and even in trees. It finds its meal among those trees, where it feeds on bugs and snakes by thrusting them through its neck stump. (Why? Why not just shapeshift into a head for yourself? Come on, pugot! Use your h- ….Oh. Nevermind.) As scary as it looks, though, this ghoulish cryptid is supposedly not harmful… except for its predatory tendency to steal women’s underwear off of clotheslines. Yeah… did I mention this guy has a lot going on? Though this confusing being comes from myth, the Pugot has been sighted in Philippine cities like Manila and Baguio City, but in yet a different form - in these cases, in the likeness of a headless priest. Is the Pugot a flesh-and-blood creature? A shapeshifting spirit? Some chilling combination of the two? Whatever the case, the Pugot clearly seems to be several versions of the same absurdly strange, underwear-stealing entity.

The Slide-Rock Bolter

Imagine you’re taking a leisurely summer hike through the mountains, your family by your side, as you enjoy the scenic spruce trees and mountain views. Without warning, the ground begins to rumble. Rocks slide down the slopes as the rumbling grows, and the sound of trees crashing starts to come closer and closer. Then suddenly… you’re swallowed by a whale. Sure, it sounds absurd, but if you believe the legends of the Slide-Rock Bolter, that’s exactly what could happen if you’re a tourist hiking the mountains of Colorado. Another cryptid from lumberjack lore, the Slide-Rock Bolter is a giant terrestrial whale-like creature that uses grab hooks on its tail flipper to bolt onto mountainsides, awaiting a human snack to walk by. The huge cryptid can wait unmoving for days on end, positioned strategically on slopes greater than 45 degrees so as to give itself the fastest possible trajectory as it comes shooting down the mountain to swallow its prey. According to legend, the Slide-Rock Bolter was responsible for gulping up whole parties of tourists in one mouthful, and ruining numerous spruce trees with each mammoth slide down the rock face. Finally fed up with the mountain whale’s destruction, a clever forest ranger of Ophir Peaks and the Lizzard Head is said to have rigged up a decoy tourist outfitted with dynamite and blown up the Slide-Rock Bolter as it swallowed its last meal. Colorado tourists have that unnamed ranger to thank for now being able to traverse through the mountains uneaten - at least by this particular absurd cryptid!

The Squonk

If you’re ever feeling down about yourself, take a moment to remember you should be grateful you aren’t a Squonk. Not only does it have an absurd name but the Squonk may just be the ugliest creature on the planet - and he knows it. An unsightly northern Pennsylvania legend, the Squonk is a four-legged cryptid with skin so ill-fitting and covered with warts, moles, and other dermatological conditions that it is ashamed of its own appearance. There are not enough Snapchat filters in the world to fix the Squonk. To keep other creatures from seeing its hideousness, Squonks spend most of their time hiding in the PA hemlock forests and crying the ugliest of ugly cries. In fact weeping is so much a part of the Squonk’s ugly genetic makeup that it is also its defense mechanism; in order to evade capture from hunters who attempt to catch the world’s ugliest cryptid, Squonks have the unique ability to completely dissolve into a puddle of tears and snot bubbles, never to be seen again… which is kind of their goal anyway. According to the Squonk stories, a man named J.P. Wentling once succeeded in bagging a Squonk, but upon carrying it home the bag suddenly got lighter. Wentling opened it to find only liquified Squonk left behind - not a pretty sight.

The Whiffenpoof

Recorded in lumberjack folklore storybooks such as Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods and Fearsome Critters (1939), the elusive, little known whiffenpoof could make a list of absurd cryptids just by its name alone. However, this creature also possesses some crazy characteristics that make it even more bizarre. For example, the whiffenpoof is a large, juicy fish that will only deign to live in perfectly circular lakes, making them very difficult to locate, let alone catch. In order to reel in a whiffenpoof, a bold fisherman must row a boat to the center of the round lake, bore a square hole in the water, and then bait the hole with cheese. Given that the whiffenpoof already seems to be extremely particular about where it lives, you can also bet it is extremely particular about what it eats: the types of cheese it requires are Stilton, Brie, Liederkranz, or Limburger, because its just so fancy. Once the whiffenpoof smells its delicious stinky cheese and rises up through the hole, the final trick to catching it is to spit tobacco juice in its eye, naturally. This insulting act allegedly so angers the whiffenpoof that it puffs itself up with rage and becomes too large to withdraw through the water hole. Voilà - you’ve just caught yourself a mythical whiffenpoof!

Whether or not you believe in the existence of any of these unusual cryptids, their absurd nature is undeniable! Which cryptid do you think is the most absurd of the bunch? Share your thoughts with us in the comments, and Happy National Absurdity Day!

~Lindsay W. Merkel

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